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By My Love....

neither your's or mine sake!


Me and Ayn



January 5th, 2012

didn't happen

Me and Ayn

date night canceled due to slightly sick child. dissapointment 100%


will try again next month when I have time.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

January 4th, 2012

thinking of you

Me and Ayn

lj has become a ghost town in my absence. a hollowed out tree that is nothing but roots and memories... but the leaves are gone and so the tree will fall.


I miss you all my friends

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

December 31st, 2011


Me and Ayn

This year I resolve to be more the man I used to be.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

April 27th, 2010

The Sound of Her Voice

tucked in (via instant messenger) 2 of his 3 favorite girls in the world tonight.  Krystal near Boston. Tiffany near L.A.. Still waiting to find out about the third, his wife.  Ambiguity sucks sometimes. But I am soooo excited... my Tiffy is coming to visit in December! I can hardly believe it! I care for her more than a mother, a lover, or a friend.  She helped me at a time that nothing else could, when I was so badly hurting that I couldn't feel anything. She pulled me out of my cave and gave me the courage to face the world and the reality it projects. I came to her looking for a savior but what she gave me was the absolute certain knowledge that I didn't need to be saved. She is my oldest friend in the world and we have never met. I don't know if I will be able to sleep  or hold any other thought in my head until December... My Tiffy is coming!!

March 27th, 2010

a fair-weather ennui

 Nothing like shaking things up. At work, in relationships, in personal life... so much shaking up over here.  I've had about all I can stand with the chaos and turmoil of my personal life and relationships but now I am messing with my job.  I told the store manager where I work that I either need to move to another department in the store or I will be quitting all together.  Since me and my wife don't get to see each other but for a few hours a day and we haven't had a day off together in 4 months I told him how my job is screwing up my marriage.  I like where I work but not as much as my wife.  I asked if I could move into the Geek Squad but as my wife works there the manager said it was a conflict of interest and that it was impossible.
   My wife loves her job, she loves working and she hates staying home watching the baby and being lonely so I'm fixing it.  I am going to drop down to part time so Sarah can pick up more hours and work more days, we are going to try and do daycare for Ayn so we can both work at the same time and we can have the same days off.  the negative side of this is that I will likely get less time with her after work and some days I might hardly see her at all... but to have full days off together again I think I could put up with anything.  I'll know soon whether I can keep my job or if I have to quit and be a stay at home dad.

March 24th, 2010

not proud of myself

Me and Ayn
 but the world is spinning and everything is fine.  I forgot how much I love the feeling of alcohol.  one reasonably sized dirty martini with a yummy lemon chicken I prepared and the world is looking slightly fonder upon Denmark.  I miss alcohol. I haven't imbibed for a few years but this feeing is sooo good. 

I love how my head is spinning and I am happy and not sad. god bless vodka, and the buzz it is creating, and the knowledge that I am not going to have another... at least not tonight.  I am not drowning my sorrows after all, I am enjoying the feeling that it doesn't matter what others do... the world is great. and spiny!

March 22nd, 2010


 I have a date planned tonight which I am thoroughly looking forward to!  I feel my heart may burst while waiting for the evening. 

March 19th, 2010

Eternal Memory

 Tonight is a night of reflection.  With Sarah away and the baby asleep I can indulge in an unfamiliar moment of retrospect. Listening to music once as known to me as my own thoughts, jarring modulations catch me off guard.  When did I forget the words?  When did life become greater than the sum of its parts?     Can we go back?  Do we want to?  The choir sings on in soft Cyrillic, dashing all thoughts of a now past reunion.  My love!  My life!  What memory can stir the passion once present in all my waking moments?  An eternal memory!  The crisp clarity of the cold on my skin.  The smell of fresh carpet.  The binding of my head by oversized headphones.  The deathlike casque of my lodging once stirred in me a warmth that I now am sure only existed in a memory.  Was I ever so young?or eager? What did I have to prove and to whom was my intendant?  Wasn't it me all along?  Wasn't I an end in myself from the beginning?  

Soft Cyrillic haunts me in the background.  Gentle suspensions take my breathe away as they fail to resolve my fears.  But memories remain.  What was as it is now... symbolizing nothing but promising me everything.  

I miss how I once felt about music but every man must grow up and every joy must sometimes turn to sadness.  Why?  because it's the rules and the rules say that change is necessary.  And the rules say that to love something you must be willing to lose it!  And the rules say that at the final downbeat you must move on even if the audience is still cheering.  My love! I will find you again when I least expect it but when I desperately need you.  and once again we will have cold on my skin and the smell of fresh carpet.  And I will once again walk through that door naked and alone and new.

March 18th, 2010

Today was a good day! a little better than yesterday, and yesterday was a pretty good day too!  Went to work. Sold more better!  came home but on a shirt and a tie and went to have a meeting with the composition head at WTAMU.  Things went well.  I think he really want me to come and I think that if I go I will be the rogue, rebellious composer of the department.  He has intimated that the other grad students and under grad are pretty much still fascinated with movie music and other post-romantic music rearrangements. My music by contrast was super edgy and modern.  At UNT I was considered a conservative composer because I had such thoughts that all music needs to be representational and that no music can exist for its own sake.  If you have never heard my music it is often dissonant, sometimes noisy, and always a bit off kilter to what you might think of... but it always has a backbone, it has a decipherable skin that keeps the phrases from becoming a wash of noise and keeps the interest of the listener where it belongs.  On my damn music!  I dabble in free atonality, pitch class sets, non-traditional uses of the 12 tone matrix but every note I write is loyal to the ideal of whatever the piece is about.  Every phrase is laid out in a way to be intellectually rich, lyrically pleasing,  and yet have teeth.  I am looking forward to being the "bad boy" of the program.  And the great part is that all I have to do is stay loyal to my artistic credo.  
     After that me and Sarah came home, ate pizza, and had some real quality together time... almost makes me forget about every conceivable trouble either personal, interpersonal, or global.  I am pretty sure things are going to be ok now.  I'm still not out of the woods but I can at least see the pale glow of light that indicates  the edge of the forest or the coming of a new day!

Ben loves his wife! He is going to love his status as a renegade composition student.  And neither would be quite as good or possible with out the pain I went through in the past week.  I feel like a young man who feels he can take on the world again!

March 15th, 2010

it is enough

I've recently discovered that I am miserable.  Yes! it caught me off guard.  Ever since graduation I have slowly lost everything about myself that made me the great guy I once was. It has been nearly 2 years since I've been passionate about anything.  Sarah had slowly weathered this the best she could as I was losing, little by little, everything about myself that made her fall in love with me. Recently this tide has concentrated and broken the little bit of delusion I had left.  The way I had been coping with my collapse has been to cling tighter and tighter onto Sarah, To use her love and feelings for me to cover up the lack of love I have for myself.  Sarah won't have that anymore.  I've been cut off and forced to deal with this cold turkey, and it hurts so bad. I just want my wife to hold me again and tell me everything will be all right, but I NEED to break my addiction to her.  I can't relapse now no matter how badly I want to.  I am so afraid though that if I let her go and fix myself she will no longer be there when I return. This is a risk I must take to be happy again though.

I am going back to grad school.  This is the first thing I decided would make me happy.  My whole adult life the one goal and love I had was the thought of teaching music at the college level.  I am never happier than when I am helping others learn things about music.  Sarah told me that I could do anything... absolutely anything that will make me happy again, so I'm going to go for it.  To do this I must overcome a few other obstacles first.  I must start driving.

There is very little on earth that terrifies me more than driving. I don't know what caused this fear but it is so intense that I can barely keep the contents of my stomach in place at just the thought of getting behind the wheel. but... to get my life back together I must be happy, to be happy I must try to reach my dream career, and to do that I must drive.  So I will drive.

There is much more to say on the topic of me and my issues but I won't post them here.  If anyone is interested they can reach me by instant message (Hypathos on google chat and AIM) or by phone call (940) 230-1773. Or just come and spend some time with me.  I am especially vulnerable right now and could certainly use the company.

thanks for listening,


Testing... testing

 I've been considering starting up my blog again.  I've tried on other blog sites but it isn't the same with other people commenting.  What do you think?  Anybody want to read about the day to day of a soon to be grad student?  Or has my absence been largely unnoticed?

February 5th, 2010

(no subject)

Me and Ayn

April 6th, 2008

it is finished

My senior recital was last night.  A success seems to be the general concensus.  I am now done with college. 

March 23rd, 2008

13 days and counting

Me and Ayn
 My senior composition recital is April 5th (2 weeks) the reheasals are going ok but I am still very stressed.  hell of a thing to take your entire college carreer and weigh it down on a single night.

Saturday April 5
8:00 PM Recital Hall
UNT College of Music

Hope you can all make it.

March 12th, 2008

Good Luck

Me and Ayn

The G2K Problem: The Gore Quiz

Before he became Bill Clinton's Vice-President, Al Gore wrote a book titled, "Earth in the Balance," his definitive position on the environment and what must be done to protect it.

A few years later, and with no known connection, Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber, wrote his manifesto, a rambling critique of late, 20th century technology.

Fox News anchor and columnist Tony Snow suggested that there might be parallels between the two pieces of literature. That set armchair analyst Ken Crossman to work... and the result was "The Gore Quiz." Ken was kind enough to allow us to enhance it a bit and offer to you "The G2K Problem: The Gore Quiz."

Below are quotes from Al Gore and the Unabomber's manifesto. Can you identify who wrote what? Respond to each, one at a time; we'll provide the correct answer right on the spot.

the G2K Quiz

February 17th, 2008

Jesus loves the little jedi

Me and Ayn
"The Lord, my shepard, is, Yes!"

"may the force be with you..."
"...and also with you"

from the wall of a methodist church near Potsboro, Texas

January 19th, 2008

Laugh-out-Loud Awesome

Me and Ayn

Seriously, watch this.  This guy is being prosecuted for publishing the anti-islamic cartoons in Canada.  It sounds so much like the Hank Reardon courtroom speech from Atlas Shrugged


and goings

Me and Ayn

Well I suppose I should update once in a while.

I got a job working at Panera Bread
I sometimes think that the main reason I even applied there is because I love eating there and Sarah does not... so now I eat there several times a week YAY

the job is ok but the somewhat daunting register system makes me nervous still.  Everyone I've worked with so far seems nice though, even the managers... even the general manager is nice!

I'm taking the GRE on Tuesday grrr

My senior recital qualification hearing is on Thursday.  If I don't pass it I don't get to do my recital and I don't get to graduate... a bit of pressure.

married life is greatufabutastic!!

I found the greatest quote today

by D.H. Lawrence

"Brute Force crushes many plants.  Yet the plants rise again.The Pyramids will not last a moment compared to the daisy.  And before Buddha or Jesus spoke the nightingale sang, and long after the words of Jesus and Buddha are gone into oblivion the nightingale still will sing. Because it is neither preaching nor teaching nor commanding nor urging. It is just singing. And in the beginning was not a Word, but a chirrup."

January 7th, 2008

I have a job interview in the morning and the same nerves that kept me awake every night before first day of school; audition; and other important things is keeping me up again.

stupid nerves

December 15th, 2007

money bomb day for Ron Paul

dollar flag

Today, Sunday December 16th is the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party.
Another supposed "money bomb" day for Ron Paul
His last money bomb day was the 5th of November when he raised 4.3 million Dollars in 24 hours

these are completely arranged by his supporters.

it is still an hour until the 16th in the Central time zone and I just watched Ron Paul get $38,000 in contributions in under 10 minutes
all small individual supporters.


watch the money come in

always err on the side of individual liberty


xxxxx EDITxxxxxx
made $120,000 in 18 minutes 

he had 11,550,000.00 approx. at 11:00 PM Central time
keep watching

December 7th, 2007

Stockhausen has Died


HYMNEN is a composition that integrates a wide variety of national anthems and transforms them electronically.

I have had a love/hate relationship with Stockhausen for years.
his music is challenging
both technically
and philosophically

He however will live on
despite his difficulties
because of them
he will endure beyond 
those that ask nothing of
the listener

Art is the freedom to be unpopular

Karlheinz Stockhausen - August 22, 1928 - December 5, 2007

November 4th, 2007

Atheist Quiz

Me and Ayn

What kind of atheist are you?
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Scientific Atheist

These guys rule. I'm not one of them myself, although I play one online. They know the rules of debate, the Laws of Thermodynamics, and can explain evolution in fifty words or less. More concerned with how things ARE than how they should be, these are the people who will bring us into the future.

Scientific Atheist


Militant Atheist


Angry Atheist


Apathetic Atheist


Spiritual Atheist






October 4th, 2007

peep peep

My wedding is Saturday at 8... you all better be there.
The reception is Saturday at 6...  come to that too.

I just got a permanent church gig, Hooray!
it is salaried, which means I get paid regardless of if they are meeting.  and $400 a month is very nice for a few hours a week.

September 7th, 2007

It is a life that ends


english translation

Here, where the sea shines
and the wind howls,
on the old terrace
beside the gulf of Sorrento,
a man embraces a girl
after the tears,
then clears his throat
and continues the song:

I love you very much,
very, very much, you know;
it is a chain by now
that heats the blood inside the veins, you know…

He saw the lights out on the sea,
thought of the nights there in America,
but they were only the fishermen’s lamps
and the white wash astern.
He felt the pain in the music
and stood up from the piano,
but when he saw the moon
emerging from a cloud,
death also seemed sweeter to him.
He looked the girl in the eyes,
those eyes as green as the sea.
Then suddenly a tear fell
and he believed he was drowning.

I love you very much,
very, very much, you know,
it is a chain by now
that heats the blood inside the vein you know…

The power of opera,
where every drama is a hoax;
with a little make-up and with
you can become someone else.
But two eyes that look at you,
so close and real,
make you forget the words,
confuse your thoughts,
so everything becomes small,
also the nights there in America.
You turn and see your life
through the white wash astern.
But, yes, it is life that ends
and he did not think much about it
on the contrary, he already felt happy
and continued his song:

I love you very much,
very, very much, you know,
it is a chain by now
that heats the blood inside the veins, you know…

I love you very much,
very, very much, you know,
it is a chain by now
that heats the blood inside the veins, you know…

August 13th, 2007

blah blah

Me and Ayn
My computer died, again.
Brown out yesterday blew a fuse in my new power supply.  It was a cheap power supply so I don't know if it will be cheaper to fix or replace.

Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to graduate in December with my last 13 hours or if I want to save my senior composition recital for the next semester.  Dr. Klein says that many students will do their recital by its self because of the extreme demands of time and energy it requires.  I'm still undecided.

I'm looking forward to school starting.

July 31st, 2007


I've moved... errr.... again.

You can now reach me at 

333 Bernard St. apt. 108
Denton, TX 76201
The Trees Apartments

But I have (and have for a while not) had any internetz.

Still waiting to hear from finacial aid...
so notsure yet if I get to go to college

June 28th, 2007

kibbles and bit

Coming back to Denton early. Look for my coming in the West.

Around 6:00 P.M. if you would like to help unload a road-weary car.

March 29th, 2007



March 26th, 2007

(no subject)

Me and Ayn

March 15th, 2007

(no subject)

I make music!  be it an out-of-tune piano or the wrapping of fingers.  I live for the sounds I make heard in nature.  When I walk the birds sing counterpoint to my footsteps and a crowded room I hear a fugue of different voices and conversations.  Clanging glasses and children screaming, pages turning and frantic whispers, keyboards clicking a percussion to accompany the world around me!  I hear it all in glorious polyphony... the full spectrum of all creation resounds in my imagination as a symphony for me alone! And it is all MY music.  Sometimes I let the rest of the world hear it too. Those that are willing and able I will share with them the supreme beauty of the world I hear, be it roaring crowds or deafening silence.  All the world in constant and perpetual adoration of what it means to be alive!  This is my religion!  Sometimes simple or sublime! But not for the World around me or the whims of a mystical god or even the calls of my brothers. but to let the world resound as if I am the only one she sings for!.. Ah!

March 11th, 2007

(no subject)

Me and Ayn
just to prove I haven't fallen off a cliff
or something

fast fast update

Been happily dating Sarah for 2 whole weeks now!

here we are:

and that has been my past 2 weeks!

February 27th, 2007


Me and Ayn

February 23rd, 2007

opus opera

Me and Ayn
Anyone want to come over and watch an opera tonight?

February 18th, 2007

(no subject)

Me and Ayn
me singing the opening solo from a song called "'round midnight"  as performed by The Real Group.
very smokey with some pretty good sounding low C's.  hopefully I will get to do this with the resurected Amarillo College(transplanted to UNT) jazz choir.



just listened to it again.  damn it is so hot!

might be my true calling :)

February 8th, 2007

interesting read
coming from a Canadian no less

I've had several semesters of college level geology classes and all my Ph. d wielding professors didn't  put any stock in so called "man made" global warming either.  They seem to think that "it has only been 10,000 years since the last ice age and the Earth is still reaching homeostasis"  but I guess they didn't have a political agenda to factor in to their studies.

January 28th, 2007


Me and Ayn
shit!  I just realized I don't have a suitcase/garmant bag here.  which I need in under 2 hours.  Anyone got one I can borrow that can have it here on campus before noon?

January 6th, 2007

(no subject)

Me and Ayn
be in Denton tonight


December 6th, 2006


Me and Ayn
not even a little hung-over? really? how am I supposed to learn my lesson about drinking without negative reinforcement? Reality is a pussy!


well today was an absolutely splendid day!

not only did I pass my double piano jury/proficiency/upper divisional... but the 2 more semesters of upper-divisional lessons that I'm required to take have been waved! That's right... I am officially done with the piano. I never have to touch it again if I don't want to!

Voice jury was really good too... Dr. Nordstrom asked me why I wasn't a vocal major :)

then I hung out with Mariko for the rest of the afternoon/evening/night/morning... till now! She is so cool! We tried to get me drunk, which I very nearly did, well maybe I was. not sure I also smoked my first cigarette ever! walked around the campus with Mariko (almost feeling like it was a date) then smoked another cigarette and spent the rest of the evening singing karaoke in my room! hard to imagine a more perfect day!

Tomorrow..errr... today, I have another date with Sarah! I've not mentioned her by name yet but she is the one responsible for my cryptic post last Thursday! She is really cool but I'm sure I will talk about her more in the future!

If I felt any better I most surely would be sick!

December 5th, 2006

(no subject)

Me and Ayn
was going to tell you how great things went with piano... but it is so good that I can barely sit still long enough to type this!

man I feel great!

December 4th, 2006

Tomorrow are my juries...
voice jury I'm not worried about.

piano jury has me a bit freaked out though!

this is a HUGE jury too, very important one it has an entire year of lessons riding on it from the past plus if I do poorly it means I will be unable to continue in the composition department.  
needless to say that if I survive I'm going to be drinking very much tomorrow night!

now back to panicking!

December 3rd, 2006

whistful while you work

Continuing the tradition... plus seeing it on other peoples LJ this is my year in review
(first sentence of thefirst entry of each month)

"If a life can have a theme song, and I believe every worthwhile one has, mine is a religion, an obsession, or mania, or all of these expressed in one word... Individualism.

I'm going to have this piece read and recorded by the UNT Symphony orchestra at the end of this semester

"I always think there's a band"
~Prof. Harold Hill "The Music Man"

I've got 2 solos in the Collegium concert we're doing a Vittoria Parody Mass

Well I feel a bit better... not because anything has changed but because I spent the past 2 hours editing the audio from my orchestra reading

 Tomorrow I'll be in Boston. I'm convinced that nothing will come of it but I know I would regret it if I didn't take the chance. that being said
...I still think I'm being a fool.

Well I spent the day on the piano today

a knife with a sharp edge,
that's all I would need,
so if my brother needs a hand out
I could cut it off of my flesh.

I've come to the somewhat grey conclusion that I may have to give up the piano.

Who's a church whore? that would be me!

I just realized I am enrolled in 19 hours this semester... that explains a lot!

Ok.... I've finally decided I should start making some friend filters!

and what a year it has been!

December 2nd, 2006


Ok.... I've finally decided I should start making some friend filters!

This one is going to be my sex and relationship filter.
here I will post about my sex and dating life.

if you would like to be included in this filter please leave a comment on this post. (comments will be screened)

I will add anyone who wants to be.. don't be shy!

November 30th, 2006


ah, my fathful friends... if only you knew some of the shit I've been up to lately.

might make you raise an eye-brow in concern... or delight!

anyway... got another date tonight
snow snow snow

November 28th, 2006

I've slept about 6 hours total in the past 4 days.  Things just seem to be going so well socially that I either am doing things other than sleeping or I am so thrilled with things that I can't sleep.  (thank you all who have contributed... especially Faina and Mariko)

oh yeah.... 7 days till juries!  I have a double piano jury (30 minutes of music) a piano proficiency exam and upper-divisional exam in piano... and I have a voice jury


also I am so broke... I have $25 to last me the next 3 weeks.  then Game Over!

My life is so crazy at the moment...  But I've never had more fun!
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